Child/teen turns to adult :: Summer 2010

Current quote of the moment: "Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional." ---Mark Hart, the Bible Geek

Current Song of the moment: "Brick by boring Brick" by Paramore




Dude... Isn't she so pretty here? Hayley Williams. Man. Do I love a girl with a lotta spunk. She also looks more mature here than her previous music vids. What's even better is that she's practically my age. ;-) hehe

I really like this song, it's been stuck in my head lately. I really like the lyrics too. I feel like it's talking about growing up and having a hard time growing up. Watch the music vid and check out the lyrics. Notice the very beginning lyric where she says plucking off the wings from butterflies. Note that the young girl is wearing butterfly wings and Hayley doesn't have wings, representing her childhood growth from a kid and now. It talks about the magic and illusions you had as a kid. But as you grow up, you realize how black your environment turns and you are engulfed into what reality really has to offer. It's all a part of growing up. Also notice how when the young girl looks in the mirror, she see's herself pampering her hair, getting more concerned about looks and reality rather than the fun fantasy things around her. But what sucks is that you are the one realizing this on your own. Thats why "you get the shovel and dig a deep hole." you bury the castle of your childhood dreams and illusions when reality sets in. I also like the ending the really ties in well with how the young girl falls into the ditch(grave possibly? Maybe representing the death of her childhood dreams?) and then I like how Hayley picks up the doll making a clearer connection of her use to be the young girl. I also like how she is the one who actively but sadly makes the decision to toss the doll into the ditch/grave. Lots of meaning in this vid. i really like it.

As of late, GSA and my summer has been super stressful. I'm pretty tired and sick and have been lacking sleep, so i'll do my best to keep this short. ( i know i normally do a bad job of doing so)

Last week I got sick, my first night of GSA, I had an incident where I left for my apartment and no one was watching my suite. A kid needed my help and I wasn't there. By the time I got back, the parent had already picked up the kid, and I was in deep trouble. I seriously jeopardized the program. I was in huge trouble. Not only that, I'm the boys head RA, my cell phone battery was shot dead, without a charger. I had 8 am class the next day. blah blah blah. And that was just the first night. I messed up 2 more time in the next consecutive days causing more stress. It was tough. I didn't have good back up from the other RA's on duty and all these other factors i felt perfectly aligned for me to get set up for failure. We are also understaffed this year.

Normally, GSA wasn't this stressful. I love GSA, you guys all know that. But lately... wow. i don't know what to say. I'm trying to balance out a class with it. and it has been tough. all of last week had been tough. I have been staying up till 2/3am sometimes to do an online quiz and waking up at 7:30 am on mon/wed for class. It sux. It's been hard. my body hasnt' been holding up well and im still sick. I hate it. this week I'm a little more hopeful. I think im getting better. My parents pampered (made me sinigang and gave me meds. Mom did my laundry, etc.) me a little bit when i was sick this weekend and heard my rant about my stressful week. My siblings bought me a brand new $30 battery for my cell phone so work would be easier on me. I love my family and support. I hope things are better this week. I really am more hopeful.

I have the song and quote about maturity because it's been my reflective thoughts as of late. I remember being a kid and not having to worry about growing up. Not having to worry about anything at all but school. But that's not what trying to be an adult in college is like. There are so many responsibilities that I need to take care of. It's crazy. Being in GSA makes me reminisce of the childhood days. Being an RA makes me feel like a kid again, which makes me love GSA. Lately, I've been wondering if I've changed a lot, and if those changes were for the best. I know maturity is a good thing, but I just hope that I will still be a kid at heart, no matter what future career path I choose in the future. I don't think I want to be a stuck up and super serious adult when I grow up. I still want to be full of life and optimism. but as of late, it really has been like that. I'm getting drained of those kid like qualities, and I'm not sure if they'll come back. it's a scary thought for me.

P.S. I've been considering a minor/future career in education.(mainly because getting into the mgmt minor is pretty difficult) Or maybe a career as a social worker. I'll think about it some more. It's a job that can help people and change lives. I wonder...

End time: 2:50pm

Winter Quarter 2010 summary

Current Quote of the moment: "People who looked on the bright side of things would be beautiful even if they were not.” ---No good Country People short story by Flannery O’Connor

I agree with this quote very much. I think there is an attractive quality about someone who is very optimistic. Even if they and/or other people think they are not good looking, optimism does play an attractional force upon others that intrigue them and make them want to be around them. It makes them attractive and beautiful in a sense.

Current Song of the moment: "Concrete Schoolyard" by Jurassic 5

This song really has a nostalgic kind of tune to it and the lyrics match it quite well. It makes me remember back to my elementary days and what it was like and I realize that I had no idea that I'd be where I am today.

Also, if you also listen to the lyrics, it talks about how they bring back the oldschool beats that are true to hip hop. I really like that, because Ii honestly think the direction mainstream hip hop is going... i don't know. i kinda don't like it, but a lot of people do so i don't hate. they just have a bunch of auto-tune and remake tons of techno/trance based songs into remakes and calling it hip hop. It makes me a little annoyed; but what can i do? right? btw. i effing luv J5

So here's what I realized about myself and blogging. I need to be inspired to blog. I read a few of my friend's and I was inspired to blog once again. Also, I always wait a long time till my next blog, by doing so, it makes my blogs super LONG, because I like to be very detailed. It just how I am. (also, since it takes me so long to write a blog, I'd rather just chill on my free time that write and think. and with all my free time i'd rather just watch anime or read manga. nerdy i know haha.) So since this is another long one, I have a bullet point list, feel free to skip ahead if there are parts you don't really want to read.

1. Winter Quarter as a whole
2. Spring Break
3. failed at Lent, but i did grow.
4. Tattoo easter mom and dad
5. PCN
6. Spring Quarter 2010
7. Liwanag's upcoming events

WINTER QUARTER 2010

• In my opinion, this has been the most challenging quarter yet. Man... 12 units, but all upper div. 1 class was the hardest class in my major and considered to be one of the most difficult classes offered at UCI. Econometrics, Econ 122b. The last installment of the series. It is economic theory mixed with statistics. ugly stuff man. but i passed with a C+ (and i was dancing for joy with this grade... even tho i know it's fairly low. I'm just glad i don't have to retake it again.)
• My next class was my upper div writing class. It was an interesting a fun class, but the workload was heavy and I suck at writing, so i found the class to be quite difficult. Plus, the TA/Professor were quite nit-picky. B+
• And I had another upper div econ class but I liked what we learned very much.(because I like microeconomics) so i did super well. = ] A
• But on top of all the classes, I had SSARC work to do, with a lot of pro bono hours worked, PCN skit, and Liwanag core stuff like winter retreat, Liwanag meetings, and Sunday mass.
• It was a difficult quarter with a lot on my plate. but looking back at it, I am so glad did it. I really feel like I accomplished a lot and I think i managed my time well. I received high marks on my end of the quarter evaluation for the SSARC, Liwanag retreat happened and i heard good things, as well as the meetings, and I have memorized most if not all of my lines and blocking as of date. It was a tough quarter, but i really feel proud of myself that I survived and did deccent if not above average with what I had to accomplish. (According to my standards of course) But when the quarter wrapped up, I was just sooo glad that Spring Break was already here waiting for me.

SPRING BREAK

• So really quickly, all I did spring break was lounge around at home, hang out with High School friends, spend some quality time with the family, and get my tattoo! So it was an epic week, clubbing, eating out, catching up with friends, and of course, family time.
• So I have been thinking about this for a while now about the tattoo idea. My HS friend Alexis Rambo wanted to get a sibling tattoo of their last name with all her siblings. I heard this over a year ago. I liked the idea and brought it up with my sibling and see what they thought of it.
• They all liked the idea and I had an idea for our design. I got this idea from the book Angels and Demons (never read it but I saw the illustrations in the beginning of the chapters) where the words were designed in a way where it could be read upside down and right side up at the same time. and Instead of getting our last name, we wanted to get JUDEL. Let me briefly explain the meaning.

EASTER

• My dad's Filipino nick name is Juc, my mom's name is Adel. They made the word Judel, and under legal documents, our names all of Judel in it. My real legal name is AceJudel, my siblings are AnnJudel, Judelson, and JudelMay.
• So all the sibling were gathered up for easter, after mass and our easter lunch, we all gathered around in front of my parents and said we had an easter surprise. I was hella scared cuz Ate May told me to tell mom and Dad and speak for us cuz it was mostly my initial idea... I was hella scared guys, no lie. I had no idea how my mom and dad were going to react.
• We took off our shirts and my mom goes "All of you guys did that!" (in tagalog and refering to a tattoo). Ate told me to explain why we got it and what i wrote on my profile pic caption. I said something along these lines.
• This way, every time i look back...
  I'll always be reminded of who I am,
  where I came from,
  who raised me, and
  who influence me to be the person I am today.
• Once I turned around to gauge their reaction, i realized that they were both a little teary eyed from happiness. It made me really happy. Of course the next question was how much did it cost and all that stuff. but i think they liked the fact that it was meaningful, and that we have a strong sibling bond. (also we got a great discount for going as a group. lol) This is the most memorable easter yet.

LENT

• So speaking of easter, I failed on my lenten promise, but i feel like i grew in faith non-the less. That's all I have to say about that.

PCN (Philippino Culture Night)

• So I'm actually super excited about PCN. If you don't already know, I'm part of skit and we generally show how Filipino's adapt and assimilate/survive in American Society. I really the story line I am acting. This skit is so much fun. Acting in general for me is so much fun. My anxiety has been replaced with excitement once I had my lines and blocking memorized. = ] I'm also excited that I'll be able to show my friends (in UCI and some HS friends that are coming, plus my immediate family what I do here at UCI and what I'm capable of. hehe) So I'm very excited.

SPRING QUARTER 2010 AND LIWANAG

• This quarter is very chill for me. Only 8 units, but I have a lot of big things coming up for Liwanag. Hopefully this'll be a good chance to boost un-increasing GPA and put more time and effort into Liwanag.
• I can't wait for Spirit Rally, May first everyone! We are just barely planning things, but it's going to be good.
• Spring banquet and the end of the year meetings... It's really a bittersweet ending. I never knew I could be this close to some of the seniors right now. It makes me sad that they are leaving. But everyone's gotta spread their wings sometime right? It makes me sad just thinking about it... Maybe I shud stop writing right here. As one of my friends said... "Man... I think ima seriously cry when the seniors leave."
• Ima do my best to hold it in.
• I'm also excited for asking certain individuals for Liwanag Core. These are the potential people that I might work with next year. I have such high hopes for them. I can't wait to hear back from them and their responses. = ]

That's all and thanks for reading. much luv everyone.

End time: 5:17pm

Uncle Eddie

Current Song of the moment: "Float On" by Modest Mouse

Current quote of the day: "And you just laughed it off and it was all okay... and we'll all float on okay..."

This weekend was Winter Retreat. I was really looking forward to it. So I arrived on Friday for early caravan around 5pm. While we were setting up the place to make it presentable for everyone to come in and use the place. When we started doing the paper bags, i received a text about my uncle who wasn't doing well in the hospital. I heard he wasn't doing well and was on life support, his organs was failing. He couldn't even more much less open his eyes. something was helping him breathe. i was a little worried, but i couldn't do much but pray. It was rather shocking because he seemed to be recovering well. His grip was strong the last time i shook it, Uncle remained optimistic, and he was smiling when i last saw him.

I knew of his brain tumor about 2 months prior, but what was crazy is that he seemed to be recovering well, was strong in grip when i shook his hand, and he was always optimistic. He had already received a 2nd surgery and i thought that was that for surgeries. all that was left was chemo therapy.

I guess wut happened was that the first surgery took out most of the tumor in the first surgery. For some reason, Uncle was leaking fluids out of his nose during the recovery period, which required him to take up a second surgery to close up the fluid flowing. The time in between this took place required Tito to start Chemo therapy at a later date because the wounds/scar opening needed to heal in order to begin the Chemo therapy.

It turns out that the 2nd surgery did more hard that good because it created more time for the tumor to spread to during the time it took the 2nd surgery to heal, making the chemo irrelevant after the second surgery. Chemo couldn't do much with the size of the tumor when they found out how fast the tumor spread. it was crazy.

So Saturday of retreat, my siblings text me on sayin that they don't know if Unlce Eddie will recover, it's only a matter of time and Aunti Minda already accepted it. She gave the word that if Uncle Eddie starts crashing, the Dr. doesn't have to try to resuscitate him. My whole family visited my Uncle in the hospital. I was the only one who wasn't there. It was hard to focus on retreat knowing that. I called my kuya during down time of retreat and he told me he could put the phone over my Uncle's ear so I could talk to him and say a few words...

It was hard to talk to my Uncle. I said I was sorry for not being able to be there next to him and that I should have spent more time with him. I told him how much i loved him and a lot of other things i don't really remember. Those were my last words I ever said to my Uncle.

I found out later when I went home to see my family that my Uncle teared up when I was talking with him on the phone. A tear came down even tho his eyes were closed. He understood everything around him, but was just in a lot of pain and immobile. (if i knew that fact... it might've affected how I served during retreat...)

During retreat, a few people knew (but not everyone) about my Uncle and they all comforted me and people prayed for me. I got to share some stories with Scuba and Steve Forton about my Uncle. that made me feel a little better about the situation. Sunday early morning of retreat, I get a call from my Father telling me he passed away 3am, Sunday, Feb 28. My dad's voice quivered. I heard my dad didn't take it too well at first. I felt called to share with my LOG family... but i didn't know how or when to. It was hard to say it others. I decided later before mass that I was going to do closing prayer. It was probably the most nervous I've ever felt when doing a prayer out loud. My heart pounded like it was going to jump out of my chest. I told everyone through prayer and i got a lotta love and support afterwards.

I attended the viewing yesterday night. My Auntie Minda wanted to cremate his body instead of burial so they can take him back to the Phillipines so family members there can see. I left early from my discussion/presentation. to go. I arrived and saw a lot of family members. Family who I haven't seen for a while and of course, my family. I got to see my uncle laying in his coffin. there were beautiful flowers all around with pictures of him. Most of the pictures were recent from my Ate Ann's wedding day. Ate Ann said she was lucky her Ninong was still alive to have him at her wedding.

When i saw auntie Minda, she hugged me and started crying. the first things she said to me was "Acey... *sob sob* He was looking for you, asking where you were before he was to the hospital...*sob*" auntie Minda said this in Tagalog. My heart felt heavy. She wasn't guilt tripping me, but those words really hit me hard and stuck with me. If i knew that too while I was at retreat.... Iono how i would've made it through retreat. i might've wanted to leave retreat early to go see him in the hospital. i prayed for my uncle there, I cried with my family. I met my uncle's coworkers and i got to catch up with a few family members I haven't seen in a long time. When the mortuary was closing up, the rest of the family and friends that were there closed up in prayer. Auntie Minda went over to the coffin saying(in Tagalog) "We're going home now Daddy... We're going home now..." She started sobbing and the rest of the family followed suit. It was hard to see Auntie Minda like that. Uncle Eddie and Auntie Minda's daughter Ate Dang said not to shed tears over the coffin and told the kids "no crying." She did her best to hold back her tears and went over to the corner of the room back towards us when she couldn't hold it in.

It was a really sad and hard week this week. As usual, it was a busy week with a lot to do. Because I've been so busy, i didn't really get to sleep much. I got sick because of it. In spite of this weeks events; there have been some highs. I went out with Liwanag core and had a mini social. it was a lotta fun and it really got my mind offa things. Also, when I came home, i was greeted with a small surprise. i found a bag of habanero cheetos and a nice card. It was seriously one of the nicest if not THE nicest surprise i've ever received in my entire life. I had no idea where it came from or who dropped it off, but ya. It really made me feel better. it was a nice gesture and the writing in the card was quite touching. i read it over twice. The writing looked familiar, but I'm uncertain still if it belongs to him/her or not.

Blogging about this made me feel better. hopefully i can look back at this blog and think about pleasant memories of my Uncle. I'm praying for you Uncle Eddie.

RIP

Ziegfried Enriquez aka Uncle Eddie

February 28th 2010 | 3:00 am

End time: 9:50pm

One day...

Currently listening to: "Drift Away" by Magnetic North.

Hazel burned me a cd and this song was in it and i really really liked it. Azns can rap! lol

Current quote of the day: "It’s Better to Try and Fail Than to Have Never Tried At All" ---Donald Trump

So mass today inspired me to blog today. I normally don't make time to blog, but inspiration struck.

So at mass today at my home parish, the priest made all the couples who were married stand up and hold each other's hand and look each other in the eyes. the whole congregation was giggling a bit. i looked over to my right and there was a husband with the most serious face ever looking at his wife with the kids just below him. I couldn't tell if he was upset or angry and didn't want to do this in front of everybody. He smiled after a few minutes and i realized he was sincere. haha

anyway. the priest just renewed wedding vows with all the couples standing. I went to the 1pm Filipino mass and it generally has the older Filipinos and couples there. I gotta say, it was super cute just seeing an old happy couple still looking at each other with a twinkle in their eyes and the words "I do" said so boldly. It was quite touching to be honest. Their smile was bliss...

I just thought to myself that one day... God willing, I hope that can be me. The special girl will come around some day and I hope I can look back through all my years of my life up till now and do exactly just that. Express how happy i've been that God gave me a wonderful woman for my life. to show it and mean it. heh someone told me i was an idealist my way of thinking. I don't mind being one. I'll remain patient.

End time: 2:48pm