Maturity, Innocence, and the Lost

Current quote of the day: "I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity."---Albert Einstein

Song of the Day: "What's my Age Again?"---Blink 182




I felt this song was most appropriate for my entry. But it's also a funny video with a band that i dearly miss, Blink 182. I wish they got back together and created awesome punk music still. but times change and ears do too. I can't help but feel like the music of the good old punk days are slowly washing away. Where'd all the punk artists go? wut happend to old school fall out boy? Zebrahead's newer cd's changed in style, and i miss Good Charlette's music too.




so anyway, enuf of that topic. I spoke with my sister after having my second sleep paralysis. My eldest sister is in Grad school getting her Masters in a MFT (marriage and family therapist) and my siblings find her to be a super awesome sister and a great person to talk to with social/mind/religious problems. We came to the conclusion that it might have been my sudden change in sleeping pattern and me not getting enuf sleep. i normally get around eight hrs. but then that suddenly dropped since winter quarter with my early class schedule. i havent' had sleep paralysis since i talked with my Ate Ann. but hopefully it stays this way for a while. hehe

So i have no idea if you guys have noticed yet. But i've come to the conclusion that i am immature. i really am. i feel like some of you might argue this statement, but in my eyes. most esp. in my eyes, i feel that i am immature. i lack a mature sense of humor, and my energy feels immature, and i feel like a kid wen im happiest. it kinda scares me. i cna't help but wonder how old i am personality wise. Someone made me realize all this about a month and a half ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks, so i've been really really self conscious about what i've been saying and how i act around ppl. now. i turned 20 this year, this is a 2009 aCe. i am no longer a teen, i needa grow up. i keep telling myself that, but for some reason, a part of me feel like im going to miss a part of myself that's about to leave/is washing away.

I feel the need to grow up, but i wonder if i ever will. I felt like the quote i put up is what's happening to me but the opposite. growing up seems so much harder, and im guessing some have it harder than most. i started thinking about internships, career goals/paths, other healthy and nurturing activities i can do. i want to do more and at the same time, i want to grow more as an individual as well. i want to stop acting and thinking like a kid where everything is all blissful. i feel like innocence is a living thing inside you, it's only a matter of time until it dies and then its just Boy Meets World, if you know wut i mean. I want to grow up, but at the same time i dont. but i already made up my mind. the World has already made the decision for me, i will/need to grow up.

So on another note, everyone forms opinions about everyone else. we can all agree and attest to that right? Oh she's pretty, he's very religious, she's so nice, he's very shy. etc etc. it's something that everyone does and it just happens and forms. of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and we must all respect that. (i personally think that's wut the world lacks in, more respect of others in so many areas of life.) and someone over the weekend happened to state their opinion of me saying that i am (a bit of a ) push over. I was quite appalled by that statement, but i remained composed and calm attempting to show my respect for another person's opinion of me. the person said this because i was doing activities that made me look soft and very... "vulnerable" but in a lackey kind of way.

i beg to differ with that push over statement. I just like to do, act, and carry myself in that demeanor because i want to. i feel the need to do things. since i was young, and my high school ASB really shaped and refined this quality in me, i always felt like i had to earn my spot in life. It gives me a sense of belonging and is a way for me to give back. I feel the need to earn things in life. things don't by free. you and if there is a good will of charity that happens to help you, give that person something back and give credit wen credit is due. i live/want to live my life that way. I am not a push over, yes i can b soft at some times, but i can't be hard headed and subborn all the time. i do what i feel is right and i sometimes put myself out of my way and convenience if i see it fitting and beneficial to the someone and/or myself.

If interfaith gives me a place to nap, electricity, food, a place to pray, and a study place, i want to give back for what it has given me. If Mass, God, and FJF (father john francis) give me spiritual healing and help me when i need it, i want to giv God something back, so i help out for mass. If a good friend helps me out in a pinch or like, spots me some cash. i'll never forget, give credit wen it's due, acknowledge them, and do my best to pay them back.

In a way, i view my future wife and life with someone like this as well. I "earn" love. I wish for someone who can/will give me back as much as i give her. Or i want to give the world as much graces and blessings it gives me. If i were to go out of my way for my future love (whether it be God, a wife, or _[blank]_), i just wish the receiving party would do the same for me. If i go out of my way to do something, just as long as i feel it is rright, and i know that the receiving party wud do the same for me, i'll def go to the ends of th earth to see it through.

I reccently talked with Huan about relationships and he had a wonderful outlook. i can't go into detail of course, but the way he described his current feelings. he is patient and looking at relationships in such a mature light. i wish i had that and that is something i long to strive for. to be able to view and approach relationships in a mature way. It was something i admired and that i should really change my view and outlook on relationships and life and love.

Am i slowly growing up? am i slowly maturing? what kinda of individual will i be a year from now? five years from now? who will i become?

Dark Knight, Batman: "You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain"

P.S. Just in case you guys were wondering. the person who's opinion of me was a pushover. i still like that person very very much. i hold no grudge against that person and i still think of them in the best way possible. we are still friends and everythings all Good.

End time: 2:24 am