I miss my laptop!

Current Song of the moment: "Golden" by Fall Out Boy (my favorite band! : )

Current Quote of the moment:

"It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great."
Havelock Ellis
English sexual psychologist (1859 - 1939)

I really liked the quote above. Although it talks about obscenity, i feel like if you replace the word obscene with risky or bold; it provides a whole new meaning, (for me anyway.)

So my laptop is gone again. darn it all. Geek squad shipped it out. Last week, i restarted my laptop and it tried doin a windows vista update, the status bar stopped moving on the third and last update, and then it would just restart on me. my laptop wouldn't boot. i was pretty sad. I really hope that my harddrive isn't jacked up. i have so much information and notes on there, i'd b really sad.

So i must apologize once again for the long blog. I wanted to write in smaller incriments, but things that i wanted to write about just stacked up since i dont' have my laptop with me anymore. so im writing this in engineering gateway.

So as most of you might already know, Fall Out Boy is one of my favorite rock bands ever. I really like them. I think one great thing about this band that is often neglected is their lyrics. I used to be the type of person that didn't really care about lyrics. All that mattered to me was the beat and the way the song sounded. but my Ate May really broke me outta that and made me learn to appreciate lyrics more. (She also got me into Fall Out Boy) I wanted to try a lil something different today. I wanted to get song lyrics from one of their songs, and write about it, because i really felt like what they sang about applied to me very much and i felt like i could relate. so here it goes:

Golden

How cruel is the golden rule?
When the lives we lived are only golden-plated
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me
Though I carried karats for everyone to see

[The golden rule, sometimes i feel like breaking so many "rules" in my life; things in which i know is wrong, things that i've given ppl. advice not to do, yet my curiosity and my desire still remains. It sometimes feels like torture therefore, the golden rule being cruel. I felt like the lights in the city were too heavy for me, kind of reminds me of how hard life can be sometimes, being overwhelmed with the pressures of life and the stresses of your responisbilities. I somtimes wonder if i got myself too deep. Am I in too deep? way over my head? Though i carried karats for everyone to see... I try to get noticed, i think i do a deccent job. but just because people see you carrying "karats" you may become the jealousy of their eye. Or even get unacknowledged sometimes. You work so hard to carry karats, yet it somtimes goes unoticed.]

And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies
And all the lovers with no time for me
And all of the mothers raise their babies
To stay away from me

[I saw God cry int he reflection of my enemies... God cries at the sins that i commit. My own shadows i see right before my eyes, i do nothing to stop it from growing, the shadow that overpowers me... will it overpower me? Hopefully this Lenton season can give me the opportunity to change that. Im not sure how well i'll do or how much i'll change... but we'll see. "And all the lovers with no time for me..." is kinda self explanitory. there is still jealousy within me. but i'm learning to let go. I can't get my hopes up. i really can't. i can't afford to do this or get hurt. haha getting hurt. this is nothing. it should be nothing, yet it still affects me. "all the mothers raise their babies to stay away from me" reminds me to humble myself. I can be my own monstrous shadow, i need to keep myself on check. I feel like a monster when i sin. It's definitely hard. But it's def. a work on progress]

Tongues on the sockets of electric dreams
Where the sewage of youth drowned the spark of my teens
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me (too heavy for me)
Though I carried karats for everyone to see (everyone to see)

[I'm applying for many internships and possible jobs for the next academic year and summer internships, but i really am not too sure what i want to do with my life, i get my hopes up, but im telling myself to keep my head leveled and not to let my hopes get too high now. i need to humble myself and bank on possible paths in life, i shouldn't act like it is for certain. and i can't help but feel like my electric dream will be either successful, or am i just setting myself ego up for failure. putting my tongue on an electric socket. And how easy it was back in the day, when we were all still youthful, and naive. Look at all of us now maturing into our own personal individuals. where do we go in lfie what do we do? where do we go from here. I knew that the lights in the city were too heavy for me. Life sure feels weighty sometimes.]

And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies
And all the lovers with no time for me
And all of the mothers raise their babies
To stay away from me

[i already analyzed this part]

And pray they don't grow up to be...

[I like how they end the song with a fill in the blank. so that it feels like it can relate to anyperson in which you makes these lyrics into your own ____ (blank) Whatever monster/shadow you don't want to be, i feel like that's what you put as the last word of this song. ]


So as i previously stated, I've been applying for summer internship positions. Im not too sure how well that is going as of right now, but i hope i do at least get accepted to one internship. hopefully a paid one. I am also interested in working at the SSARC (Social Science Academic Resource Center) next year. I became really interested becase someone helped me tremendously on my cover letter and resume. They edited it for me and provided so much information. I want a future job that helps people and where i can recieve the reward of making a customer happy. I want a job where i have many person to person relations and customer service. I also like public speaking aswell, giving out presentation in a persuasive manner. I'm very excited about this job. It's paid, and the skills i will learn if i get hired are top notch man, and it won't affect my financial aid becuase it considered as work study. I've seen the work environment too because i have passed by the SSARC many times. It just seems so nice and fun. As soon as i found out about this, i kind of became wutevers with internships. (although i am still applying for the summer.) pray for me guys for this one kay? = ]

There is one thing that really bugs me when i work with people. It's when people recieve a title, and they don't act upon it. They dont' have a sense of responsibility or belonging once they recieve that title. I learned in ASB the quote that "Leadership is about Actions not Positions" whatever title you hold doesn't mean jack if you don't uphold your responsibilities and carry out your duties. I get annoyed in group projects where other people carry the weight for the rest of the group. It really does sux. I know schooling is important; but at least make an effort to support, and be there and do what you can. If you become so closed minded and neglect your responsibilities, why did you say yes to the position? do you deserve the position? I have a strong dislike when people recieve "power" yet they do nothing with it nor do they feel a sense of responsibility for group actions.

Here's an example: I used to have a crush on this one girl in high school. she was in ASB with me. there was one thing i didn't like about her. She had responsibilities in ASB, important ones, yet she always put schoolwork waaaaaaay ahead of her ASB and other club responsibilities. i hated it. or maybe i had a strong dislike towards it because she would always not show up to ASB set ups and when it was time to do work, she would asked to get replaced or put schooling at the top of the list. I understand that schoolwork is important, but sometimes there are more important things in life than just schoolwork. but in my opinion. you need a sense of belonging when you accept a responsible position and role. This is what i try to do, put equal distribution of priority to each of my responsibilties. Say for example, my responsiblities are schoolwork, my job, and UCC Core. I wouldn't put schoolwork at the top of my priorities to do list. I would treat all three equally where i would divide my time equally for all three roles and tasks. Instead of doing 2 hrs of schoolwork and 30 min for my job and UCC Core. i would divide it into 1 hr for each. Balance and time management.

If you had a big event planned for your job and you had to help out, and then a midterm the following day, you shouldnt' ask to be excused for your job so you can study for your midterm. You plan accordingly, manage your time wisely, and study 4 days ahead for the midterm, and then 2 days before your job event. you plan for it, and make sure you are there helping out.

Okay, sry guys, i just had to vent that out for a bit.

In any case, this entire week has been a bit packed and stressful, but i somehow made it out alive. i had an internatinoal economics midterm on monday, and an intermediate econ 100A midterm on tuesday. and then Ash Wednesday after that. it was like non stop man. but Ash wednesday was quite rewarding to serve for. I must say. mad shout outz to Huan, he had two midterms the next day, yet he served for 3 ash wednesday masses and the last communion service. He's a trooper man. and so is FJF, he had a bad throat and served for all 5 masses. he truly is a blessing.

So i've been working on a poem... it's not any good. it has potential tho. and i even came up with a short story in mind that might go well with the poem. but this is just all a slow and steady process in the making. I know i am sooo weak sauce compared to joyce, charlene, and Charmaine's poems. so yeah... i don't think my poem can compete, but i'll think about posting it up one day... maybe... haha. wen i feel like it's ready to be posted, and i've edited it to the best of my ability. It's a worki n progress for sure... but yeah. poems and me... iono man. lol.

End time: 11:25 pm