I miss my laptop!

Current Song of the moment: "Golden" by Fall Out Boy (my favorite band! : )

Current Quote of the moment:

"It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great."
Havelock Ellis
English sexual psychologist (1859 - 1939)

I really liked the quote above. Although it talks about obscenity, i feel like if you replace the word obscene with risky or bold; it provides a whole new meaning, (for me anyway.)

So my laptop is gone again. darn it all. Geek squad shipped it out. Last week, i restarted my laptop and it tried doin a windows vista update, the status bar stopped moving on the third and last update, and then it would just restart on me. my laptop wouldn't boot. i was pretty sad. I really hope that my harddrive isn't jacked up. i have so much information and notes on there, i'd b really sad.

So i must apologize once again for the long blog. I wanted to write in smaller incriments, but things that i wanted to write about just stacked up since i dont' have my laptop with me anymore. so im writing this in engineering gateway.

So as most of you might already know, Fall Out Boy is one of my favorite rock bands ever. I really like them. I think one great thing about this band that is often neglected is their lyrics. I used to be the type of person that didn't really care about lyrics. All that mattered to me was the beat and the way the song sounded. but my Ate May really broke me outta that and made me learn to appreciate lyrics more. (She also got me into Fall Out Boy) I wanted to try a lil something different today. I wanted to get song lyrics from one of their songs, and write about it, because i really felt like what they sang about applied to me very much and i felt like i could relate. so here it goes:

Golden

How cruel is the golden rule?
When the lives we lived are only golden-plated
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me
Though I carried karats for everyone to see

[The golden rule, sometimes i feel like breaking so many "rules" in my life; things in which i know is wrong, things that i've given ppl. advice not to do, yet my curiosity and my desire still remains. It sometimes feels like torture therefore, the golden rule being cruel. I felt like the lights in the city were too heavy for me, kind of reminds me of how hard life can be sometimes, being overwhelmed with the pressures of life and the stresses of your responisbilities. I somtimes wonder if i got myself too deep. Am I in too deep? way over my head? Though i carried karats for everyone to see... I try to get noticed, i think i do a deccent job. but just because people see you carrying "karats" you may become the jealousy of their eye. Or even get unacknowledged sometimes. You work so hard to carry karats, yet it somtimes goes unoticed.]

And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies
And all the lovers with no time for me
And all of the mothers raise their babies
To stay away from me

[I saw God cry int he reflection of my enemies... God cries at the sins that i commit. My own shadows i see right before my eyes, i do nothing to stop it from growing, the shadow that overpowers me... will it overpower me? Hopefully this Lenton season can give me the opportunity to change that. Im not sure how well i'll do or how much i'll change... but we'll see. "And all the lovers with no time for me..." is kinda self explanitory. there is still jealousy within me. but i'm learning to let go. I can't get my hopes up. i really can't. i can't afford to do this or get hurt. haha getting hurt. this is nothing. it should be nothing, yet it still affects me. "all the mothers raise their babies to stay away from me" reminds me to humble myself. I can be my own monstrous shadow, i need to keep myself on check. I feel like a monster when i sin. It's definitely hard. But it's def. a work on progress]

Tongues on the sockets of electric dreams
Where the sewage of youth drowned the spark of my teens
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me (too heavy for me)
Though I carried karats for everyone to see (everyone to see)

[I'm applying for many internships and possible jobs for the next academic year and summer internships, but i really am not too sure what i want to do with my life, i get my hopes up, but im telling myself to keep my head leveled and not to let my hopes get too high now. i need to humble myself and bank on possible paths in life, i shouldn't act like it is for certain. and i can't help but feel like my electric dream will be either successful, or am i just setting myself ego up for failure. putting my tongue on an electric socket. And how easy it was back in the day, when we were all still youthful, and naive. Look at all of us now maturing into our own personal individuals. where do we go in lfie what do we do? where do we go from here. I knew that the lights in the city were too heavy for me. Life sure feels weighty sometimes.]

And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies
And all the lovers with no time for me
And all of the mothers raise their babies
To stay away from me

[i already analyzed this part]

And pray they don't grow up to be...

[I like how they end the song with a fill in the blank. so that it feels like it can relate to anyperson in which you makes these lyrics into your own ____ (blank) Whatever monster/shadow you don't want to be, i feel like that's what you put as the last word of this song. ]


So as i previously stated, I've been applying for summer internship positions. Im not too sure how well that is going as of right now, but i hope i do at least get accepted to one internship. hopefully a paid one. I am also interested in working at the SSARC (Social Science Academic Resource Center) next year. I became really interested becase someone helped me tremendously on my cover letter and resume. They edited it for me and provided so much information. I want a future job that helps people and where i can recieve the reward of making a customer happy. I want a job where i have many person to person relations and customer service. I also like public speaking aswell, giving out presentation in a persuasive manner. I'm very excited about this job. It's paid, and the skills i will learn if i get hired are top notch man, and it won't affect my financial aid becuase it considered as work study. I've seen the work environment too because i have passed by the SSARC many times. It just seems so nice and fun. As soon as i found out about this, i kind of became wutevers with internships. (although i am still applying for the summer.) pray for me guys for this one kay? = ]

There is one thing that really bugs me when i work with people. It's when people recieve a title, and they don't act upon it. They dont' have a sense of responsibility or belonging once they recieve that title. I learned in ASB the quote that "Leadership is about Actions not Positions" whatever title you hold doesn't mean jack if you don't uphold your responsibilities and carry out your duties. I get annoyed in group projects where other people carry the weight for the rest of the group. It really does sux. I know schooling is important; but at least make an effort to support, and be there and do what you can. If you become so closed minded and neglect your responsibilities, why did you say yes to the position? do you deserve the position? I have a strong dislike when people recieve "power" yet they do nothing with it nor do they feel a sense of responsibility for group actions.

Here's an example: I used to have a crush on this one girl in high school. she was in ASB with me. there was one thing i didn't like about her. She had responsibilities in ASB, important ones, yet she always put schoolwork waaaaaaay ahead of her ASB and other club responsibilities. i hated it. or maybe i had a strong dislike towards it because she would always not show up to ASB set ups and when it was time to do work, she would asked to get replaced or put schooling at the top of the list. I understand that schoolwork is important, but sometimes there are more important things in life than just schoolwork. but in my opinion. you need a sense of belonging when you accept a responsible position and role. This is what i try to do, put equal distribution of priority to each of my responsibilties. Say for example, my responsiblities are schoolwork, my job, and UCC Core. I wouldn't put schoolwork at the top of my priorities to do list. I would treat all three equally where i would divide my time equally for all three roles and tasks. Instead of doing 2 hrs of schoolwork and 30 min for my job and UCC Core. i would divide it into 1 hr for each. Balance and time management.

If you had a big event planned for your job and you had to help out, and then a midterm the following day, you shouldnt' ask to be excused for your job so you can study for your midterm. You plan accordingly, manage your time wisely, and study 4 days ahead for the midterm, and then 2 days before your job event. you plan for it, and make sure you are there helping out.

Okay, sry guys, i just had to vent that out for a bit.

In any case, this entire week has been a bit packed and stressful, but i somehow made it out alive. i had an internatinoal economics midterm on monday, and an intermediate econ 100A midterm on tuesday. and then Ash Wednesday after that. it was like non stop man. but Ash wednesday was quite rewarding to serve for. I must say. mad shout outz to Huan, he had two midterms the next day, yet he served for 3 ash wednesday masses and the last communion service. He's a trooper man. and so is FJF, he had a bad throat and served for all 5 masses. he truly is a blessing.

So i've been working on a poem... it's not any good. it has potential tho. and i even came up with a short story in mind that might go well with the poem. but this is just all a slow and steady process in the making. I know i am sooo weak sauce compared to joyce, charlene, and Charmaine's poems. so yeah... i don't think my poem can compete, but i'll think about posting it up one day... maybe... haha. wen i feel like it's ready to be posted, and i've edited it to the best of my ability. It's a worki n progress for sure... but yeah. poems and me... iono man. lol.

End time: 11:25 pm

God/Love/Retreat

Current Song of the moment: "Lesson in Love" by Danger Radio



Current Quote of the moment: "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" and another bonus quote! woot special qutoe blog day lol "There are times in everyone's life when something constructive is born out of adversity... when things seem so bad that you've got to grab your fate by the shoulders and shake it." ~Author Unknown (i forgot where i heard the first quote from, i think it was my freind in Jr. High 7th grade. )


Retreat

• We started the retreat off a bit ruff, it was definetly a struggle. getting stuck in the snow with the cars, getting a car locked in, shoveling our way out, not heater or hot water, and running only on four hrs of sleep. so much hard work; yet we all made it through together. Im not going to lie, i was feeling a bit bummed for a bit at the start of the retreat. Morale was quite low.
• But one of the many ppl who i saw the light of God this weekend at the retreat was Steve Forton. Even though my spirits were low, he would just pop outta nowhere and start singing, and keeping the energy up. Even in the hardships of the snow and all, with the cars, he managed to keep ppl smiling, singing, and staying his ussual and postive upbeat self. it was something i really looked up to and was quite a respectable quality that i wish i had more of. to be able to be full of energy, life, and spirit when faced with adversity is quite a siill. never showed stress nor depression. i wish to be like that one day. that even thru the bad times, i'll still manage to smile thru it all and see it thru with that smile.
• After getting all the cars stuck outta the snow, we managed to praise a little bit at the LOG cabin in lake Arrowhead. God really gave us a challenge this weekend. Many things didn't go according to plan. But i feel like God put that obstacle in front of us loggers cuz we needed it. maybe we needed something like that because through the adversity, and seeing it all the way thru, we manged to get closer to each other. and maybe God thought that we lacked in that foundation, so he did so and then focused on him after that.
• I thought it was super cute that all/most of the LOG girls were praying for us as most of the gents were out there helping out diggin out the cars and such. And i really saw all the ugys come together to work hard as a group. So much strenght and responsibility within each of us. Jordan working so hard. Mel and his driving skills. Julian keeping his kool. Steve-man keeping morale up as best as he could. Huan's first retreat with LOG being like this, making hime do labor for a retreat he paid for not once complain about it. a new face RJ helping out and doing everything without complaint. and he barely knew us too! all the other gents down to help out and switch eating and working shifts wen we got tired. etc.
• and also just seeing the light of god in others who helped us outta the icy roads and helping get our car jimmied. etc. it was just beautiful
• but after all this unexpected events we really got the momentum goin after we praised and worshiped for a bit at the cabin. Core made a smart and executive decision to leave and spend the rest of the retreat at Shawshank. things eventually picked up and it turned out great. despite all that, we managed to enjoy ourselves and had a great retreat. God truly blessed us at this retreat. The cherry on top of the retreat was the follow up at interfaith with all the wonderfull and mad support from the alums. that was sooo awesome to see them all and talk to them all. i really do miss the alums man.
• one of the major things i learned in this retreat was what Anna said in our discussion about measuring Love. it was such a mature statement. it made me realize that i shouldn't measure love. i kinda of thought that i what i do for someone, they should recipricate the amount of love i show them. if i put 50% of love to a person, i expect 50% back from them. but love should NOT be determined and measured by how much i want to put in and how much i want to recieve froma particular person. it's not about that. Love that you show should be all genuine and coming fromthe heart because you care and you want to express that love and compassion within you.
• I just wanted to thank the big Guy up there for everything this weekend. It was truly special and a growing experience and mad shout outs to LOG for making it happen and all this possible.

Did someone say Love Triangle?

• well, maybe its more like a "crush triangle" lol. Me having a big crush on a girl, and seeing the girl that im interested in, interested, talking, and just seeing the blosoming of something more to come with another guy that isn't me. and that other guy happens to be a good friend i know. It was interesting feeling... it's pretty funny tho.
• i mean, if they are both happy, im not gonna do anything. just as long as they are happy if somehting does happen between them. but it felt like... its so hard to describe how i felt. i think this is the best way i can describe it...In a way, it felt like a slap int he face. but do to that slap in the face, it really opend up my eyes and forced me to see a new direction and and a new perspective and thinking. (much smiliar to a slap in the face where it hurts to see it happen in from of your eyes, but your head moves to the side with my eyes wide open realizing what was next to me instead of what i was trying to focus on infront of me.)
• I picked up the hints throughout the week, she's def. not interested me in. and that's okay. but for some reason, i felt like i could change her mind about me. i can show her a different side of me in which she can appreciate. i always had high hopes (which kinda made the slap feel a lil more hurtful) thinking that i could change her mind about me, but i guess not. do i feel like a fool? a lil bit. but i learned something
• i talked with Father JF (here's where the eye opening part of the slap comes in and the realization of what was next to me. ) in confession and he said that i am displacing my intimacy in other places. i thought about it for a while. and i said. why do i always have to think about girls? that shouldn't be the case. i shouldn't put so mcuh emphasis on that. there are other ways to feel more complete and more fulfilling in life besides a GF. and i just barely realized that. I should really be more patient with something liike this.
• I've always felt that i was called for the life of Marriage, but i still have a hard time trying to hear God's will. i really need to get better at that. i think it was just what i want and not what God has in store for me. i shud really just leave it open and have God work his magic and let it happen mysteriously or not. or live a single life. What my place in life is for God, i must accept. i must...

My family called me and wished me a happy V Day

• i think my family ate out on Vday. what was really swt tho was that they gave me a call on my voicemail saying happy vday and like. we love you and stuff. i mean, that's kinda rare in my fam and that's the frist tiem i ever got a call like that from my mom before. kinda nice. it made me feel so loved from my fam. I just wanted to add this last part. that's all. lol

i apologize if my blog was a bit darker and less upbeat than ussual. but yeah. i guess that's what was on my mind. i really felt the need to write it all out. I'm feeling hella sleepy rite now. i think i shud knock out. thx for reading and God Bless

nite all

End time: 2:45 AM

Maturity, Innocence, and the Lost

Current quote of the day: "I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity."---Albert Einstein

Song of the Day: "What's my Age Again?"---Blink 182




I felt this song was most appropriate for my entry. But it's also a funny video with a band that i dearly miss, Blink 182. I wish they got back together and created awesome punk music still. but times change and ears do too. I can't help but feel like the music of the good old punk days are slowly washing away. Where'd all the punk artists go? wut happend to old school fall out boy? Zebrahead's newer cd's changed in style, and i miss Good Charlette's music too.




so anyway, enuf of that topic. I spoke with my sister after having my second sleep paralysis. My eldest sister is in Grad school getting her Masters in a MFT (marriage and family therapist) and my siblings find her to be a super awesome sister and a great person to talk to with social/mind/religious problems. We came to the conclusion that it might have been my sudden change in sleeping pattern and me not getting enuf sleep. i normally get around eight hrs. but then that suddenly dropped since winter quarter with my early class schedule. i havent' had sleep paralysis since i talked with my Ate Ann. but hopefully it stays this way for a while. hehe

So i have no idea if you guys have noticed yet. But i've come to the conclusion that i am immature. i really am. i feel like some of you might argue this statement, but in my eyes. most esp. in my eyes, i feel that i am immature. i lack a mature sense of humor, and my energy feels immature, and i feel like a kid wen im happiest. it kinda scares me. i cna't help but wonder how old i am personality wise. Someone made me realize all this about a month and a half ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks, so i've been really really self conscious about what i've been saying and how i act around ppl. now. i turned 20 this year, this is a 2009 aCe. i am no longer a teen, i needa grow up. i keep telling myself that, but for some reason, a part of me feel like im going to miss a part of myself that's about to leave/is washing away.

I feel the need to grow up, but i wonder if i ever will. I felt like the quote i put up is what's happening to me but the opposite. growing up seems so much harder, and im guessing some have it harder than most. i started thinking about internships, career goals/paths, other healthy and nurturing activities i can do. i want to do more and at the same time, i want to grow more as an individual as well. i want to stop acting and thinking like a kid where everything is all blissful. i feel like innocence is a living thing inside you, it's only a matter of time until it dies and then its just Boy Meets World, if you know wut i mean. I want to grow up, but at the same time i dont. but i already made up my mind. the World has already made the decision for me, i will/need to grow up.

So on another note, everyone forms opinions about everyone else. we can all agree and attest to that right? Oh she's pretty, he's very religious, she's so nice, he's very shy. etc etc. it's something that everyone does and it just happens and forms. of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and we must all respect that. (i personally think that's wut the world lacks in, more respect of others in so many areas of life.) and someone over the weekend happened to state their opinion of me saying that i am (a bit of a ) push over. I was quite appalled by that statement, but i remained composed and calm attempting to show my respect for another person's opinion of me. the person said this because i was doing activities that made me look soft and very... "vulnerable" but in a lackey kind of way.

i beg to differ with that push over statement. I just like to do, act, and carry myself in that demeanor because i want to. i feel the need to do things. since i was young, and my high school ASB really shaped and refined this quality in me, i always felt like i had to earn my spot in life. It gives me a sense of belonging and is a way for me to give back. I feel the need to earn things in life. things don't by free. you and if there is a good will of charity that happens to help you, give that person something back and give credit wen credit is due. i live/want to live my life that way. I am not a push over, yes i can b soft at some times, but i can't be hard headed and subborn all the time. i do what i feel is right and i sometimes put myself out of my way and convenience if i see it fitting and beneficial to the someone and/or myself.

If interfaith gives me a place to nap, electricity, food, a place to pray, and a study place, i want to give back for what it has given me. If Mass, God, and FJF (father john francis) give me spiritual healing and help me when i need it, i want to giv God something back, so i help out for mass. If a good friend helps me out in a pinch or like, spots me some cash. i'll never forget, give credit wen it's due, acknowledge them, and do my best to pay them back.

In a way, i view my future wife and life with someone like this as well. I "earn" love. I wish for someone who can/will give me back as much as i give her. Or i want to give the world as much graces and blessings it gives me. If i were to go out of my way for my future love (whether it be God, a wife, or _[blank]_), i just wish the receiving party would do the same for me. If i go out of my way to do something, just as long as i feel it is rright, and i know that the receiving party wud do the same for me, i'll def go to the ends of th earth to see it through.

I reccently talked with Huan about relationships and he had a wonderful outlook. i can't go into detail of course, but the way he described his current feelings. he is patient and looking at relationships in such a mature light. i wish i had that and that is something i long to strive for. to be able to view and approach relationships in a mature way. It was something i admired and that i should really change my view and outlook on relationships and life and love.

Am i slowly growing up? am i slowly maturing? what kinda of individual will i be a year from now? five years from now? who will i become?

Dark Knight, Batman: "You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain"

P.S. Just in case you guys were wondering. the person who's opinion of me was a pushover. i still like that person very very much. i hold no grudge against that person and i still think of them in the best way possible. we are still friends and everythings all Good.

End time: 2:24 am